Pre-Engagement Counseling

Perhaps THE most important thing Ben and I did in our relationship was go to pre-engagement counseling.  Not only did the Lord use it to plant the seed in Ben's heart to one day pursue a counseling degree himself, but it also established an incredible foundation for our relationship that we are still reaping the benefits of today.  In fact, we still comment at how it was truly the best investment of any kind we could have ever made!

We had been dating for about 4 months when we went to our first session together. For those of you who are not familiar with our story, we were friends for a year and a half prior to dating, so by the time dating began, we were both quite sure this was headed for marriage.

We both struggled with fears and insecurities, desires to communicate well and be great future-spouses to one another, and in some ways we thought we were doing quite well.  But Ben thought it would be wise to bring another person into our lives, someone who would have knowledge and expertise to draw from, who could help us know whether we were really on the right track.  I was immediately on board as well, having been a fan of counseling for quite some time.

And wow were we thankful we took the leap of faith!!

We entered our first session not really sure what "issues" we even had to talk about.  I remember the counselor saying, "I think we're going to have a lot of fun together!" Ben and I loved each other deeply already and had a happy, good relationship, so perhaps pre-engagement counseling would just be talking through practical "basics" that any couple faces prior to marriage like finances and what it would mean to share the same living space together.  

Well, in the weeks that followed, counseling was not fun.  It was hard work!  We would oftentimes go in without anything specific to talk about and one of us would start by saying, "Well... there is this one little thing I am thinking about..."  That would lead the other person to become defensive and closed off.  One of us would then not express things well and offend the other person even more.  Almost always, there were tears by the end of the session (mostly from me).  It was ugly, messy, hard work and yet, leaving our sessions, worn out and drained, with the little energy that we had, we would comment that we knew this was good.  It was one of the most difficult things we had ever done.  But it was good. 

So it continued on for five months prior to our engagement.  Once we were engaged, we continued weekly sessions with our counselor and also added pre-marital counseling sessions through our church into the mix.  We were committed to building a foundation for our future marriage.  We continued to have hard sessions, which would lead to difficult conversations, which would normally lead to tears.  But over time, we began to resolve issues on our own!  Instead of bringing a new issue into the counseling room and talking through it there, we found ourselves dealing with issues prior to counseling and then talking with the counselor about the ways we had come to a resolution.  It was delightful progress! 

And so here we are today, about to celebrate 4 years of marriage and I can say with great humility, joy and thankfulness that we are pretty darn good at communicating in our marriage.  We still struggle, disagree, say the wrong things, but we have this amazing foundation set up that does not allow us to give up or sweep an issue under the rug.  We are well-trained to deal with the issues.  And for that, we are so grateful to our counselor(s) and to the Lord for giving us supernatural strength in the tough times.

There are many, many other aspects of our pre-engagement counseling experience (how we grew individually and as a couple, how we have come to understand grace more, the freedom we have experienced, and on and on) that I could share but for the sake of keeping this post from getting too lengthy, I'll keep it at that.